Healthy couples are participants in a relationship. Because each wants to participate, each must carefully consider what to bring to the table.
Here are the three most basic things to consider when seeking a healthier relationship:
A is for awareness. Awareness of your own thoughts, emotions, and needs is always the first step to bettering your relationships.
Psychologist Victor Frankl said that between the stimulus and the response lies our choice. In that space lies our power.
If you are not aware of what you are thinking, feeling, or needing, in any given situation, you are simply reacting - not responding.
Without awareness, you are unable to communicate with your partner. This unintentionally sabotages your partner's chance to meet your needs. After all, how could they meet your needs, if you yourself are not aware of what they are?
Awareness requires you to live in the present moment. Over time, this is something you cultivate. You understand yourself and others better. You respond to conflict in ways aligned with your values.
But perhaps most importantly for a healthy relationship, you communicate effectively.
B is for bids. More specifically, bids for connection. You make them every day.
Dr. John Gottman, in his couples research at the University of Washington, found that members of a relationship send constant bids for connection. This manifests in many different ways.
For example, a partner can share an article with their significant other. Alternatively, the partner may point at an interesting bird through the window.
Another example of a bid for connection is asking your partner about their mood after it has shifted. Each bid is an invitation to share an experience. They are essential for meaningful relationships.
When your partner makes a bid for connection, you have three choices.
If your partner asks about your mood, you can respond honestly. This is an example of turning toward a bid. But, if you scoff or choose not to respond, you turn away from it. Finally, you may choose to lash out, asking, "Why do you care?" This is an example of turning against a bid for connection.
Dr. Gottman found that couples who turn toward each other's bids 80% of the time experience greater satisfaction in their relationships.
A healthier relationship requires both members to connect in little and big ways.
C is for curiosity. As a couple's counselor, this may be the most important principle of a healthier relationship.
A healthier relationship requires curiosity from both couples. Each must be curious about their own experience, as well as their partner's thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Awareness and bids for connection are only successful when curiosity is present.
With curiosity on your side, conflict becomes an opportunity for connection. To truly understand your relationship partner, you must learn to be curious about their perspective.
Try implementing the ABCs into your relationship this week. Are you building a healthier relationship?
Let me know how things shift.
